40 is Fine

“40 is fine when you look 29.”

40th birthday

Ill be turning the big 4 0 this week. This Sunday to be exact. June 5th. A Sunday my favorite day of the week.

But unlike a TV show, there will be no gathering of friends and family to celebrate me. No surprise cake and singing, no tears of joy at the overwhelming show of affection for me.

My own husband wont even remember. I’m sure, or maybe he will but he sure as hell wont do a thing to show me. He hasn’t in years, a lacking small gesture that cuts me deep every year. I mean really is a small cake so hard to get for your wife?

And friends, well I have none. Everyone, I’ve ever let into my life has used and abused this thing called friendship. And I have locked out all of them and vowed not to bring anyone new it to replace them. People just disappoint and hurt you and I’ve finally reached a point in my life where I don’t and wont allow it. Now, none of the people I do call “Friend” are so close they’d think to pop in with a cake. And the 2 people I do have that I call friends that might do this work hard all day on Sundays to support themselves, and their children and couldn’t even if they wanted to.

Family, well again none that would do a thing to celebrate me, betting my own mother doesn’t even remember its her first born child’s 40th birthday. No, she’ll probably roll out of bed at 1 pm and make sure see feeds her animals on Farmville though. My husbands family well they might remember but not liking or knowing me enough to know this 1 year Id rather not share my birthday with anyone else (my husband and mother in-laws b-days are days after mine and we always get jammed together) and definitely not in a hot way over crowded house where half the people there don’t even like me. No Id rather just stay home and fold laundry and dwell in my own self pity.

I don’t think its wrong to want this day, this one year to be just mine, to have my favorite cake, to be surprised and celebrated.

But hell like I said my life is not a tv show, No cards in the mail, no balloons or cake just like every other year. Other than the half hearted, Facebook happy birthdays from the hand full of people I’m actually friends with on Facebook, only remembering because Facebook reminded them. I don’t expect anything else.

It makes me sad. Not because no one remembered or because no one did anything but more because I wanted it.

In the end, its not important. I don’t really get over it but I do get past it. In the end 40 is just a number, its just another year I made it through.

In the end 40 is just fine, after all I really do only look 29.

Unfriended

I have never had a lot of Facebook friends, never needed to nor wanted to.

And as another year comes to an end I decided to clean house in that department. I went from 54 to 29 Facebook friends, even unfriending my so called bff (she hasn’t noticed or simply doesn’t care, I haven’t heard from her since Halloween). And that right there is my whole point.

I don’t want to be friends with anyone that wont notice I’m gone. And I do not expect anyone to notice right away, no one really has. One person though was so upset they pretty much unfriended me in real life because of it. Making what I did out to be a shitty thing to do to them. When in fact it had nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.

You see for the last 6 months I noticed I was the only one holding up both sides of all but two of my friendships, its like I had an open door, a room full of people but I was invisible! I decided to close the door after shoving everyone out.

Facebook isn’t what makes us friends.

A friend is someone that answers a text, or message or the rare phone call Someone that shows up to your invite on time. Doesn’t blow you off. Or even, as in the case of the two women I now call my only friends, not allowing me to cancel on them simply because no one else is coming.

This was my New Years Resolution for 2016, but I think its more of a gift to myself.

Only allow people into your life that will notice if you were gone.

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Regards!

And now I’ll do whats best for me

Just because something is simple, does not mean its going to  be easy.

Change, for example, is never easy for me.

But sometimes you have to. You have to just put your foot down, and say “enough!”

October is going to bring some big changes for me, making them is what’s best for me.

It started with removing the 2 people I had put on my phone plan that were not paying their share $50 a month, over 2 and 3 years! Well yes it added up ($100 times 24 and/or more months) and yes I’m friggin stupid for putting them on in the first place, but I thought that’s what you did helped friends out with whatever you could. I was used. Neither one of these people texted me, or did anything for that matter to keep up their end of the friendship. I was a door mat. Both could go ahead and buy their smokes, weed and booze, yet could not cough up the money to cover the cell bill.

And I suffered sometimes giving up food to cover the bill.

I put up with it never saying one word, so it is no ones fault but my own that I allowed this to carry on for so longer.

And neither, now with their new numbers, texted to give me that number.

Friends? No definitely not!

Now of course I didn’t even just shut them off I gave them both 2 weeks notice that I would do it, and not a word on it.

I bet good money all they could think was “Damn that sucks free rides are great!”

But still not a word from them, and I’m done reaching out. I’m done being a doormat, a free ride, a rainy day friend.

I am better than that. I deserve better than that.

I’m going to carry this over to everyone in my life. if you want me in your life, reach out to me 1st for once.

Otherwise, you are never going to hear from me again.

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Regards!