In December of 2015 I decided, I could no longer handle the disappointment of the people I was allowing in my life. People I called friends even though I realize now, as I knew but didn’t want to admit than, that they never were.
You know the ones. They never text you first, or ever. If they do they text an “lol” as a blow off response to really anything you send. You could have texted “My cat died” and these people would send “lol” in response. Or you always say “lets get together”, they response “yeah sounds great”, you go a step farther to “how about dinner next Saturday?” and they never answer, because “sorry cant” leads to you asking them when they’re free and they don’t want to be free, for you.
Here is the story of how ending this kind of bs and burning bridges has gone for me so far.
#1. Lets call her A. A had no phone, and I was her friend. Now she didn’t ask but excepted my offer to add her to my phone plan and she would pay the bill for her line every month. Fast forward 2 years. She never paid it, late fees and over charges piled up to the tune of her line costing me over $500 for the 2 years. A never texted me either, she never made any effort to keep up with me, “her friend”. And so I, with fair warning because I am not an asshole told her, I had to drop her line. She said okay, and that’s the last I ever heard from her.
#2. Lets call her S. S was someone I loved to hang out with. Even with her drama filled life being something I couldn’t stand, I loved her. I did nothing for her but be her friend, and confidant. All I wanted in return was the same thing. But as for toxic people with toxic lives S was/is Queen. A drug addict boyfriend and husband and a few other side pieces, a welfare con-artist, drunken, drug abuser herself. I looked past it all and I, again found I was always the one to say “lets hang out, lets go to the thrift store, lets go to lunch, come by for coffee”, and always to no answer or a blow off. Last I spoke to her I told her I haven’t heard from her in months, she replied with how her drama filled life was busy, yet failed to ever speak to me again. (ok she really gave me an excuse about how she has no help and had uprooted her kids yet again, the 4th time in as many years, I wonder how you can uproot someone who has never had any roots to begin with?) I think to myself that Id have helped if she had said she needed it… And again another bridge burned to the ground.
#3 Lets call them J&V. J&V are my kind of people. But turns out J is mister popular and if your not family or famous no time can be made for you. J didn’t like being told that I was sick of being blown off all the time. Making me explain in full detail what it means to blow someone off. I simply referred to my last dinner invite and how I was told yeah maybe let me get back to you, but alas nothing came and I had enough.
This is what it was. This is what I kept thinking having friends is like you put up with this hurtful shit.
Turns out, friendship is me making dinner plans for 5 friends, but no one, but two people show up. Those two, they came despite my many attempts to cancel, they showed up ontime and were happy to see me. Friendship is the message you find in your inbox that’s simply says “what’s up chicky?” Out of no where for no reason just a quik check in with you, even though she worked 13 hours that day came home to a messy house, of 4 kids plus a 5th she just took in, a single mom who lost her husband not long ago. She made time to check in with you, just to say hi.
Now that you “kinda” know the story of #1, 2 & 3. Can you believe I struggle daily with NOT reaching out to them? I don’t know why. I really don’t want them back in my life but I feel haunted like I should. Maybe its just the routine of it, I have after all been doing it for so long.
Is this the human condition to want people in our lives no matter what toll it takes on our own souls? If it is I cant understand. My life is not without people. I have a great husband, 3 kids, a big family. I have the 2 friends, true friends I have monthly plans with. I work, keep a very nice home, and I fill my time a lot with exercise. (along with a thousand other things)
The real kicker is…After I made the choice to just stop and let go of these (and a few other people) in my life, I have noticed doors open I didn’t see before. I guess I was so busy holding up both sides of so many relationships, I couldn’t see through the mess. I am angry. I missed out on so much. I can see it all so very clearly now.
But can I ever let go? Let go completely? So these people wont come to mind anymore. I don’t think so. I think I’m too mad. I think I’m entitled to be mad, at them and at myself.
I honestly feel no matter what you do a part of you is always trapped in the past, unable to move on from it. I believe some pieces of you remain so troubled it will haunt you for the rest of your life.
But these pieces also shape who we are, and they change choices we make in the future.
Will I ever find myself unhappy with the people I allow into my life again? Probably.
But for now its a very clean slate.
So there is it…